“One hundred and eighty-three days into the year, and I thought I’d be feeling better by now. Yet here I am, hugging my stomach, telling myself I’m okay, and taking a Xanax…”
A year ago I felt like I hit my rock bottom. Strange, because from the outside things looked great. I had recently moved to Seattle. I had a great job with a dream company doing inspiring work. I was going on weekend adventures a couple of times a month. I was in a serious relationship with a guy my friends and family loved for me. And we had a puppy. A really cute puppy. Like I said, things were looking great.
On the outside.
Internally, things were different. While I tried to maintain a positive attitude and appreciation for the good things in my life, truthfully, I was burnt out. I was anxious beyond my capacity to deal, experiencing debilitating panic attacks at work almost weekly, which usually sent me home for the remainder of the day. I worried endlessly about things I could not control, and in the chaos of my mind, I could not understand why I was even anxious at all. It felt as though my mind and body were in emergency mode all the time. Let me tell you, this is a horrible, exhausting feeling.
I questioned my value at work, in my friendships, and especially in my relationship with my boyfriend. I felt inadequate, and frankly, I was was reminded that I was inadequate regularly. I did not love myself. I wondered if I was in the right place.
The right career.
The right relationship.
I hiked on the weekends, but I physically struggled due to a knee injury that caused me discomfort and worry. I felt pressured to perform beyond my ability so that my boyfriend would approve. I never felt good enough. I weighed more than I ever had before. I was not looking out for my body. I was not eating for my body. I was exhausted all the time. All. The. Time. I felt minimal motivation to do anything for myself. I didn’t know it then, but I now recognize that I was depressed.
Despite all of this, buried in my heart, I had a vision of my highest self. I knew she was within me, part of me. I knew I could become her. At my rock bottom I so desperately wanted her. So I took the first step.
I recognized that I was not who I wanted to be. And in order to become her, I needed to change.
I want to share my journey of healing with you – past, present, and continuing – because I believe you may relate. Because I see your highest self like I see my own. Because my heart now overflows with a desire to inspire others to pursue this person within. And because I really believe you can become your highest self. Even if you are not living out that self now.
As humans, we are all on a journey to wholeness. I encourage you to walk with me on mine.